On Monday, the Lord put a heavy lesson on my heart concerning my gut motivation for doing certain things that I do. And a lot of the motivating push is Guilt - guilty if i do, guilty if i don't, guilty for thinking about it, guilty for making mountains out of molehills, guilty for underestimating their influence and size... its hard to explain, nor am I willing to divulge it on my blog at this time. But it's a soul-lesson that the Lord is wanting me to yield to Him, and allow Him to create Freedom in me.
After I had journaled, prayed, and talked with Blair about the issue of Guilt, I was attacked in a new way: guilty for having any other consuming "issue" besides Gwen. Does this mean that I'm "okay"? Does this mean that she means any less to me? Does this mean that I'm healing/being healed, that I could be struck with a new arena for growth?
Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my counselors about feeling close to the Lord, hearing from Him, etc. And it was definitely the Holy Spirit that brought this point out in me, because I don't know that I've thought about it in this way before. I asked, "Are you pursuing the Lord? Because I don't think that we are ever static. If we're not moving toward unity and oneness with the Lord, we're drifting away... we're never immobile. The Word says to 'walk in step with the Spirit'... that makes me think that He is on the move, so I better move to catch up with Him."
And afterwards the Lord brought my emotional conundrum (about Gwen+new heart issues) to mind, asking me, "Erin, are you pursuing me? Are you walking in step with my Spirit? I am at work, doing new things, are you keeping up with me? Are you waiting back in the valley, at a place that I have already conquered and answered? I'm up here! Come find me!"
And that doesn't mean that I'm forgetting Gwen, missing her any less, or loving her less. She is not the sad chapter of my 27th year; "on to the next". The Lord has and is continually using her life and our great affection for her to move us to submission and humility, brokenness for the broken around us, and creating an unquenchable longing for Heaven that I have never had or expected I could have.
But He is at work, using the brokenness, bringing healing and asking me to walk in step with Him. I want to have eyes that perceive Him at work, and a heart that obediently responds to Him when He calls me to "get up and walk" (Mark 2:11)
So if I start blogging about new things, different things than the many shades of grief...
"Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"